Tuesday, March 29, 2011

2011 Cardinals Season Preview

Alas, the new baseball season is upon us! I used to make it a point to predict the order of finish of each of the divisions and laugh in amazement at the end of the season when everything pretty much turned out exactly the opposite of what I expected. I was also very young when I did this. Since that early self-realization, I have strayed a bit from making my now famous predictions in recent years. However, I figured no time was better than the present to dust off the ol' crystal ball and present to you the Cards on Cards 2011 Fearless Predictions: St. Louis Cardinals edition.

It bears mentioning that all cards in this post came courtesy of “é rayhahn, rayhahn”, a blog so great that I had to cut and paste its name to make sure I got it exactly right. The box I received from the rhubarb enthusiast was massive and many-faceted that this certainly won't be the last post that mentions it.

Prediction! Chris Carpenter will pitch in the first inning on Opening Day. Not only is Carp listed as the probably starter on Thursday afternoon's season debut, but he is also the expected starter. Suffice it to say that he could... nay... should(!) make the start.

Prediction! Colby Rasmus will drop a fly ball. The controversial center fielder may not always be on the same page as skipper Tony La Russa, and there's one thing he and Tony definitely do not see eye to eye on. La Russa has a zero tolerance policy towards making mistakes if you are young and full of talent, while Colby believes in the preternatural ability to temporarily lose focus and not catch everything in the sky that is headed towards him.

Prediction! Kyle Lohse will suffer through a lousy inning, and still claim that he "felt fine out there". Since pitchers are prone to losing their arms on a whim as well as the occasional spontaneous combustion, they always seem to feel the need to alert us when things aren't gravely serious with their health.

Prediction! Mark McGwire will not trade his hitting coach cap for a batting helmet. He will also not be elected to the Hall of Fame this year. Life goes on.

Prediction! Albert Pujols will be asked to discuss his contract future beyond this season. I know I'm going against the grain here, but I really feel that he won't be extremely thrilled to discuss it.

Prediction! Jaime Garcia will throw a pitch... wait for it... left-handed! I know everyone is waiting and anticipating the dreaded sophomore slump here, but I feel with utmost confidence that Garcia will continue to hurl it "southpaw style" and baffle those who were expecting the ball to move across the plate away from right-handed batters instead of towards them.

Prediction! Ryan Franklin will get a piece of food caught in his giant beard. This is more physics than astrology, people. Sometimes I don't understand the silly predictions that people make.

And here's the big finish. I'm going with not one, but two predictions... check it out.

Prediction! Tony La Russa will get rather testy during a post-game news conference. Another Prediction! La Russa will use a bunch of different lineups throughout the season. In other words, the sun rises in the east, the earth orbits the sun, the moon orbits the earth and... the Cubs continue to suck.

2 comments:

smedcards said...

I think LaRussa was perfect for the Busch family because all of his 18,317 pitching changes an inning led to more beer sales.

mmmrhubarb said...

Nice thought, Smed, but I think you have it backwards: it's in LaRussa's contract to average at least 5.38 pitchers per game.

If your predictions are as accurate as my NCAA Hockey bracket, well, look out! (And GO FIGHTING SIOUX!)