Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Threat Level Blazers

With a Game 5 loss, the Blazers are facing elimination in their series against the Mavericks. Game 6 is back in the City of Roses Thursday night. Let's examine the Blazers prospects in what is clearly the most predictive way possible... by opening up a Panini Stickers pack!

6 - Eastern Conference (THREAT LEVEL: LOW. It's rather unlikely at this point that the Blazers will advance to the Finals, though many have predicted that the Mavericks are still a vulnerable team due to past playoff failures. Much tougher challenges would await Portland were they to pass the first round, although the Eastern Conference cannot be completely ignored. This sticker is a little unusual because the surface somewhat reminds me of an iron-on patch or something similar.)

265 - Andrei Kirilenko (THREAT LEVEL: LOW to MEDIUM. Sure, the Jazz failed to make the playoffs, but they're always a threat as one of the Blazers' most hated rivals. Things may never be the same in the post-Jerry Sloan area, however.)

33 - Bill Walker (THREAT LEVEL: NONE. The Knicks were unceremoniously dumped from the playoffs in straight sets by Boston and resumed being a joke in spite of their making the playoffs this season. Any progress made with key up-and-coming cogs like Raymond Felton and Wilson Chandler was undermined by the trade for the despicable Carmelo Anthony. Also, Bill Walker... don't really know him all that well.)

284 - Baron Davis (THREAT LEVEL: NONE. Things went from bad to worse for Baron Davis, whose drive and determination are already somewhat suspect. He's in Cleveland now. At least he doesn't have to look at Blake Griffin's face anymore.)

350 - Evan Turner (THREAT LEVEL: LOW. Turner is an up-and-comer, and the Sixers made a surprise appearance in the playoffs. They're down 3-1 to the Heat, but I honestly expect them to force a Game 7 considering the way Miami's season has gone lately. I would love for them to be the first to fall in a series after leading 3-0.)

44 - Marreese Speights (THREAT LEVEL: LOW. Pretty much what I said up above.)

123 - Gerald Wallace (THREAT LEVEL: N/A. Hey, it's a Blazer! Crash traded in his orange headbands for some red ones from what I hear. His impact on this playoff series has been less than expected, but there's still some time for him to wreak some havoc. At the very least, he's going to brawl with someone before the series is over. Count on it.)

367 - James Anderson (THREAT LEVEL: NEGLIGIBLE. Anderson was a first round pick last summer but hasn't had much of an impact on the current squad as a rookie. The Spurs... I'm not sure what they're doing. It's almost as if they don't have any idea that they're down 3-1 to a so-called* 8th seed in their series.)

*So-called because Memphis threw their last couple of games in order to finish with a favorable playoff matchup. This aspect disgusts me, but they're looking like geniuses right about now.

1 comment:

Colbey said...

I can't even find those sticker packs anymore. EVERYWHERE is sold out. Shoot, most stores replaced the albums and packs with either Justin Beiber or some Tinkerbell stuff.