Wednesday, July 27, 2011

5 Stages of Colby Rasmus

(Or: How the Cardinals Inexplicably Became Sellers at the Trade Deadline)

1. Denial: No way is this happening. This must be some goofy, misguided MLBTradeRumors concoction. Didn't John Mozeliak just swear up and down a couple of days ago that Colby wasn't going anywhere?

2. Anger: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING, MO?! Why are you running this franchise into the ground? What's next, Jaime Garcia to the Dodgers for Aaron Miles and a sack of used Band-Aids? I swear I am done with you and Tony and this team. I'm just going to start watching hockey from now on. HOCKEY.

3. Bargaining: Okay, okay... this isn't the end of the trade, right? Some of those three Players to be Named Later are going to be stud prospects, right? I'll... you know what? I'll take back every mean thing I said about Ryan Theriot this year if you JUST BRING COLBY BACK. Come on. Bud Selig, step in! This trade is ridiculous. You pretend to find something wrong with it and veto it. Just pretend that you're David Stern. I will buy like 7 camouflage Cardinals caps and 10 cases of Budweiser aluminum bottles if it will bring that sweet swing back.

4. Depression: This is terrible. Jon Jay is a fourth outfielder. He fell apart last year after Ludwick was traded. That trade sunk the offense and doomed the Cardinals, ensuring that they would miss the playoffs after things looked promising. The defense needed to be upgraded and an extra bat is always handy. A lefty reliever wouldn't hurt, but you blew it when you traded a young, extreme talent who was cost-controlled for several more seasons. I'll never see one of those bombs to right field again. Colby hits the ball farther than Albert Pujols (seriously, look it up) and... oh no... not the rookie cards! What will I ever do when I look at those rookie cards?

5. Acceptance: Well... teams make trades all the time. Colby was barely sniffing .250 this year and didn't seem to be a very popular guy in the clubhouse. I get that he didn't always do things "the right way". He has a meddlesome father whom he'd sooner listen to than his employer. Sometimes it looks like he has a noodle for an arm. And I know I was totally okay with a Rasmus trade as long as the return made sense and the Cardinals got something that would help them both this season and in the future. Of course, I was thinking a similar type of young but major league ready prospect and... ZLKJLDFJSEG forget this! MO, I HATE YOU. I AM NOT ACCEPTING THIS ONE BIT. WHERE IS THAT FUUUUUUUUUUU GRAPHIC THAT DAYF LOVES SO MUCH?!!

JOHN MOZELIAK, YOU MADE COREY PATTERSON A CARDINAL. That, my friends, is an unforgivable sin.

4 comments:

Community Gum said...

Funny, you say Corey Patterson on the Cards is a sin. I'd say that he's "finally on the right side of the rivalry," to borrow a phrase from Theriot.
--Jon

madding said...

Ugggghhh. You can have Theriot back anytime, you know.

mmmrhubarb said...

Word on the street here in StL is that the Cards are on the better end of this trade. No one here's going to miss Rasmus

Bo said...

Meddlesome father getting in the way? Sounds like Cory Snyder. (Gregg Jefferies too? I forget)