Thursday, August 4, 2011

Gint-A-Bluffs: 2011!

It's tearing up the internet! It's trending on Twitter! It's facing on Facebook! It's... er... plussing on Google+! That's right, folks, it's the internet sports card blog's most popular and funtastic event of the year. It's... Gint-A-Bluffs! Knees were weakened and pantaloons were lowered (just a smidge) during last year's amazing festivities. This year shall be an unsurpassed treat! Let's get the ball rolling, this time with a scoring system so complex even Mighty Mathocles cannot comprehend it with his brain system of instant calculations.

Pack 1:

83 - Mat Hoffman (+1 for being the Tony Hawk of 2-wheeled competition, -3 for being a "Mat")
272 - Wee Man (-5 for being part of Jackass)
60 - Brandon Belt (Sales Guys' Favorite Team = +1. I'm just glad the Cardinals aren't in a divisional race with the Giants or I'd have to deal with annoying baseball talk all day at work.)
333 - Carlos Lee (-2 for being on a franchise with a 10 year rebuilding plan, +2 for being an SP)

AP12 - Snow Leopard Animals In Peril (+5 for being ferocious!, x2 for being a mini)

MMF19 - Bernhard Riemann (+1 for being smarter than you.)

Pack 2:
254 - Denard Span
56 - Scott Kazmir

54 - Austin Jackson Code (-3 for Topps not learning their lesson with pointless code parallel nonsense two years ago. Also, don't those patters look like flat butterflies?)

BHS-10 - Ryan Howard Baseball Highlight Sketches (-5 for being a consistently lousy insert set, -2 for being indecisive about its orientation.)
141 - Vernon Wells A&G Back Mini (-1 for A&G back because I swear that regular back minis have been harder to find ever since last year, x2 mini)
HH60 - Alex Rodriguez Hometown Heroes (How do you score "meh" exactly?)

- Stupid Ugly Code Jerk (I HATE this guy. He looks like a cross between Seth Rogan and a particularly awful ex-roommate of mine. I don't need to see either of them ever again. I'm pretty much as much of a pacifist as they come, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over giving this guy a solid beating if I ever met him. -17! I don't care what you clock says!)

Pack 3:
185 - Justin Upton
23 - Aubrey Huff (+1 Sales Guys' Favorite Team)
162 - Mat Latos (-3 for being a "Mat")
350 - Joe Mauer (+2 for being an SP, -1 for hindering my fantasy team's chances.)

213 - Xavier Nady Mini Black (+3 for ex-Portland Beaver, +3 for Black Border, X2 Mini)

HH88 - Roy Oswalt Hometown Heroes
- Checklist Four of Five

Pack 4:

188 - Daniel Descalso (+56 for being a Cardinal!)
243 - Mike Nickeas
180 - Kyle Drabek

7 - Mickey Mantle (+1 for not being a Mickey Mantle insert saturating every product that Topps puts out.)

UG1 - Bachelor's Grove Cemetery Uninvited Guests (-2 for being creepy, x2 mini)
HH14 - Carl Pavano Hometown Heroes

Pack 5:
30 - Hanley Ramirez
205 - Kendrys Morales (-5 for being injured all the time.)

AOM20 - Hominina Ascent of Man (+20 for being a key cog in the evolutionary chain, +3 for reminding me of a video game in a way I can't even begin to explain.)
347 - Josh Thole (+2 SP)

SRU5 - The Human Cannonball Step Right Up (+1 for reminding me of a Modest Mouse video, -6 being clowns are creepy and so is the circus by proxy.)

FF5 - Sovereign of the Seas Floating Fortresses (+3 for not being a landlubber, -1 for no sign of Popeye or spinach.)

Pack 6:
18 - Daniel Hudson
212 - Aramis Ramirez (-12 for being a lousy Cub)
114 - [Expletive Deleted] (-20 for being The Worst)

Let's step aside for a minute and enjoy this commercial interruption.

Breathtaking, isn't it?

43 - Jake LaMotta Mini (+1 because I wouldn't want to mess with him. He looks hungry. Also, x2 mini)
HH16 - Dan Uggla (+5 for being on a 25-game hitting streak and helping my fantasy team. -4 for still being at .215 on the year. Oh, yeah, and those All-Star Game errors... -1. Never forget!)

Pack 7:
107 - L.L. Zamenhof (-2 for inventing something I don't really understand, Esperanto. And -1 for possibly paving the way for the Adam Sandler vehicle Spanglish.)

232 - Picabo Street (+10 for being incredibly awesome)

223 - Chuck Woolery (-9 for being the creep that follows Picabo)
306 - Josh Willingham (+2 SP)
180 - Kyle Drabek (x2 mini, and we all know what nothing times two equals...)
HH21 - Jon Lester Hometown Heroes (+7 for stomping on cancer, -3 Red Sox)

Pack 8:
62 - Alfonso Soriano (-12 Cub)
50 - Carl Crawford (-3 Red Sox)
292 - Wade Davis

BHS-20 - Some Yankees Player Baseball Highlight Sketches (-30 for being completely unrecognizable as a baseball player or human for that matter, -5 for being part of this insert set)

229 - Juan Pierre A&G Back Mini (-1 A&G Back, -1 for having a poorly designed "picture", x2 mini)
HH87 - Jeremy Hellickson Hometown Heroes
- Codemaster (Ahhh! Not him again! Go away! -17)

And that's a wrap! Let's check the scores and see how I stack up to other less worthy competition...


Ahhh! I want my money back! Curse you, Codemaster!


Play at the Plate said...

Scoring correction: +40 for the mini play at the plate! It's a wash.

Justin McLeod said...

Wanna trade Woolery?

night owl said...

This scoring system lost all credibility with the plus-1 for Aubrey Huff.

Anonymous said...

Go Portland Beavers! Wooo! I miss going to the games:(